Lessons learned after a year of marriage

One year of marriage! 

One year ago last week, I said "I do" to my husband before God, our families, and many friends. In one year of marriage, I have certainly not learned all there is to know. But perhaps sharing some reflections on this past year may be helpful to others who are just starting out on this journey. 

I have seen my own self-centeredness in new ways; learned the love of God in new ways; and learned how my heart does not default into being a loving, Christ-honoring wife. Even when I am ostensibly serving my husband and my home, how often I have realized that really I am serving a false image of being the perfect homemaker! Oh readers, the action may look the same but the heart is very different. And the fruit is different too: when I am cleaning my kitchen and baking bread in order to be the ideal housewife rather than out of love for God and for my husband and a desire to be the servant of all, I am more likely to grow frustrated with my husband for making messes or feel insecure if dinner isn't ready on time.

If you are about to become a wife, you'll have to learn for yourself where your vulnerabilities are and how to depend on the Lord in them. But from one beginner wife to another, here is some advice I would give after one year of marriage.

• Let go of your idealized version of marriage as soon as possible. This may not be possible before marriage, because most likely you feel that you have no idea what marriage will be like, and your expectations are unconscious rather than acknowledged. But once you are married, work to identify where frustrations may be arising due to the gap between the marriage you have really got and the one you imagined you would have. For me, I realized that I had thought marriage would look like sitting in bed at 9:00 peacefully reading our books side by side. When my husband preferred to stay up till 10:30 working on programming problems in the living room, I felt unreasonably frustrated. He wasn't doing something wrong, but this didn't fit my pre-marriage fantasy. Readers, swapping out fantasy for reality is always a change for the better, because it is real.

• Lose the idea that communication is "unromantic," that there are some things that your husband should just "know." He loves you, but he is not inside of your brain, and it's not fair to expect him to be a mind reader.

• Learn to not keep score. Even if you feel your accounting is quite fair and accurate and therefore you have good reason to feel like your marriage is "unequal" (you put in more hours at work, or make more of an effort to keep in touch with extended family, etc.), the scoring is flawed from the outset, because marriage is not about equality! We are called to outdo one another in showing honor, not to show up only as much as our spouse does. What if God was like this? What if he kept track of how much we were doing "our part" and whether it was truly 50-50 in our relationship with Him, and promptly stopped contributing if the scales tipped too far in His direction? Thank the Lord that He does not treat us as we deserve! 

• Let your husband be his own person, but don't give up entering into his world. What do I mean by this? Sometimes I want to connect with my husband only on my terms — I want to mold him to fit into my image and enjoy my preferred activities, on my timeline and in my way. When I recognize that I'm becoming controlling, the easiest solution is to disconnect entirely: you do you and I'll do me. We can peacefully live separate lives in the same house. But the goal of marriage is not to be good roommates who have no conflict. Instead, enter the tension of compromise and self-sacrifice. It is better for my marriage when I don't try to make my husband's decisions for him — choosing his hobbies, schedule, etc. — but rather seek ways to join in with what he has decided or to make choices together.

• Relatedly, don't forget that all relationships need intentionality, even when — perhaps especially when — you live in the same house and share life together on a daily basis. Again, it is much easier to be roommates than teammates. Keep seeking ways to connect and prioritize time just to be together, because it won't happen by accident. 

• Recognize the difference between sharing marital challenges with other people in order to confess your own sin, and sharing marital challenges in order to complain about your husband (whether in seriousness or in jest). This can be tough, because women slip very easily into the latter, both intentionally and unintentionally, and it is so easy to just chime in with your own frustrations. But it is never worthwhile to tear down your spouse to other people.

I am thankful for our first year of marriage, the many sweet moments and the hard ones. I am still in awe of the Lord's plan in bringing us together. The best is yet to come, my dearest.