2023: Year In Review

 What-ho, readers!

It's been a while since I wrote a New Years post (or let's face it, any post), but 2023 was a year full of happenings and "firsts" for me, and I wish to preserve a record of it. There were highs and lows but mostly such a sense of awe at God's provision and his perfect plan, which is so much better than I can ask for or imagine.

So tally-ho and away we go!

January

My study buddy

The events of January were largely shaped by the previous December. On December 20, I got engaged! My sweetheart proposed on a very, very cold Tuesday by the small lake on our town's college campus. (It was a surprise but I knew it was coming—how many "complete surprise" engagements are there, really?) We celebrated our engagement and Christmas with family and friends, then jumped into wedding planning in January. As our engagement season coincided with the final semester of my master's degree (in history!), this month thus inaugurated a very busy but very exciting season. I'm honestly still not sure how it all got done, frankly!

Planning a wedding was bizarre. For so much of my life, I attended other people's weddings, and wondered, as girls do, what mine would be like and what the colors would be and what dress I would wear, etc. etc. And then even once it became clear that we would soon be getting engaged, getting married still seemed like a far off and even perhaps impossible event. Once we were engaged — and I was the person trying on dresses, and we were the people calling churches in search of availability for our chosen date, and every weekend seemed to hold some new wedding related activity — it was all rather surreal at times. (I mean, even now when I look back at wedding pictures and have visual proof that we were the bride and groom — not to mention the physical evidence in the form of my husband sitting next to me on the couch as I type this ;) — it feels not quite real.)

February

Wedding planning continued into February as schoolwork ramped up. I spent many hours in the library basement scanning through newspapers on microfilm as part of my research on the 1931 Citroën Trans-Asiatic Expedition. Though this topic kind of ended up in my lap (as in, I asked my advisor, "What should topic should I pick for my spring research paper?" and he told me), the deeper I went, the more interesting I found it. I certainly experienced "senioritus"; it was hard to feel that my university studies were all that consequential when graduation, marriage, and a break with academia were only a few months away. I particularly felt unmotivated to do my non-research classwork (i.e. to read two books per week and write miscellaneous papers). But for all that, I enjoyed my research.

Sometimes you find funny things in old newspapers.

March

March was a traveling month. It started off with a trip to my then–fiancé's hometown for an engagement party. That was a sweet trip — our first time getting to hang out with his immediate family since our engagement. They all joyfully put so much effort into making the party fun and special. It was a testament, if I needed it, to how amazing my in-laws are, and how blessed I am to officially be part of their family now. 

We rapidly returned home, and then I dashed off again to Detroit (pictured!) for my first serious academic conference. I say "serious" because I have attended a few other academic conferences, but they were more tailored to students rather than scholars, whereas this was most definitely aimed at specialists in French history. I had mixed feelings about this conference. I was glad to have the chance to go; I like French history and attending the conference gave me the confidence, for the first time in four years, to unapologetically identify myself as a French historian. I enjoyed presenting my work and getting to discuss it with others outside of my university circle. On the other hand, I also experienced a weariness with the topics that are "hot" in academia and with the carefully constructed language that humanists employ. That's a bit vague if you're not a scholar in the humanities; I guess I just felt that certain topics and even phrases are so in vogue in history that I could guess what people were going to say before they said it. The research angles that used to be clever and provocative are now rather canned. I felt that it is time to challenge postcolonial interpretations instead of claiming your research is new because you're copying and pasting the same old thing into a new place. And, eventually, that is what I realized my paper on Citroën's Trans-Asiatic Expedition was going to do (the former, not the latter).

April

An early spring morning (or maybe a twilight evening?) on campus

April was the month where everything was due. Presentations had to be given and final drafts had to be submitted. I was also spending hours making phone calls about silverware rental and messaging random people on Facebook Marketplace about tablecloths. Apparently I wrote a blog post, too.

I have only spotty memories of April. I know I sent those messages because we had tablecloths at our wedding and I know I wrote my paper because I graduated, but I do not remember doing so. I remember feeling surprised that there were already flowers on campus and then being surprised that the early spring flowers were already gone. I do remember many early mornings sitting in the sunny spot in the library before anyone else had gotten there, drinking coffee and reviewing my many wedding spreadsheets.

May

May inaugurated the season of parties, starting with... Graduation! What a strange feeling to be on campus the last day of finals, in a completely empty library.

Pictured: A spot you usually have to fight over

I did my master's immediately after my undergraduate, which meant that I spent six consecutive years at my university. It was exciting and also bizarre to realize I wouldn't be coming back the next semester — that I might never be in contact with some people in my department again, after years of running into them in hallways and seeing their names on emails. It was also amazingly freeing — six years is quite enough to spend at one institution, if you ask me. :P I was ready to move on.

Plus, I didn't have all that much time to indulge in graduation reflections, because the weekend after graduation, we traveled out of town to attend a wedding, and the following week 1) my mother-in-law to-be visited, 2) I turned 24, 3) my mom and sisters hosted a bridal shower for me, and 4) my fiancé traveled out of town (I made four trips to the airport within seven days).

The English tea theme gave me an excuse to wear my enormous garden party hat.

The shower was a beautiful, English-tea-themed celebration. As I once wanted to have a high tea as a wedding reception, it was kind of fulfilling in a way to have a tea-shower. And the care my mom and sisters lavished on the details (scones! fresh flowers! Jane Austen soundtracks in the background!) felt so special.

June

The last weeks before the wedding went rapidly. We traveled out of town again to attend another wedding, I packed up all my belongings to move from my childhood home, and the final preparations were made. The last week was rather emotional. I had spent six months longing for the wedding to arrive, counting down the days until I would be Mrs.— and at last start our days of marital bliss (:P). I had prayed, too, that God would help me to make the most of the engagement season — to recognize and appreciate the things that I had in that season that I wouldn't have once I was married. And yet, still, I had a feeling that I had failed to appreciate fully the time I had living at home, going downstairs to chat with my mother and have long dinners with my father. I had spent so much time with my fiancé, and yet had lamented more over not getting to see him more rather than lamenting the dwindling days left to live with my family. All of a sudden it seemed very short and my parents very precious and my marriage very exciting and yet unavoidably sad, too.

I guess this is how weddings are. And the day did arrive, ready or not. It is hard to express just how sweet that day was. How blessed we felt. How overwhelmed with the love of so many friends and family who shared our joy and traveled from afar and helped set up and ironed tablecloths and brought food and coffee and prayed and cried and were in our wedding party and shared their talents and reflected the love of God in their actions. So since it is hard to put this into words, I will share some pictures instead, and maybe you will get a glimpse of how lovely a day it was. :)

July

After a few days in the mountains, my now-husband and I returned to our [new to me] home. We spent about two weeks there before it was time to pack up again... for Europe! We spent two months on the Franco-Swiss border for my husband's work. It was terrible to have to leave so soon after our wedding and head to a foreign country.

C'est une blague! (That's "it's a joke" to the non-francophones). My husband and I have both spent time in France for work/school before we knew each other, and ever since we started dating we dreamed of going back together. Though it was quite a squeeze to leave so soon after our wedding (in those two weeks I also caught up with multiple friends, prepared our house for short-term renters, and unexpectedly applied for a job), it was such a very special and memorable way to start off our marriage.

Before settling into the small French town where my husband had work, we got to honeymoon for about ten days in Switzerland and Austria. It was my first time in the Alps! That has been on my "next trip" list since my last time in France. We had a blast visiting many places, trying to understand Swiss German, taking long hikes, drinking much espresso, and experiencing so many new things together.

August

August started out with more travel. After spending a few weeks at our temporary French apartment, I took a quick trip on my own to Vienna to visit a friend I hadn't seen in several years. It was a sweet time and really delightful to get to catch up.

Apart from going to Vienna and a few weekend trips, August was fairly quiet. It was quite a change of pace from the busyness of the spring. I had a little work (remote/freelance translation and editing), but also had time to read, try French recipes, make near-daily trips to the bakery, and pray. Our evenings were generally open, which left us to take walks, hang out, and go to occasional swing dances. It was extremely hot (Europe doesn't do AC — they like to suffer), but I made lots of iced lattés during my long afternoons in the apartment, and that helped.

A weekend trip to Annecy, where the lake offered relief from the extreme August heat.

We also were able to get to know a Russian couple at the church we attended, which was nice. All in all, it felt like a restorative, restful time, and I felt so fortunate to be back in a country that will always be near to my heart, and to get to start our marriage there.

At the end of August, I got word that I'd been offered the job to which I'd applied before leaving the States. To my great surprise, my university had an opening for a lecturer to teach European history (my specialization) and had encouraged me to apply. I got the job! It really felt like such a gift from the Lord — the opportunity had come to me without me doing anything. I couldn't have predicted it. I didn't deserve it. But all of the sudden I had the chance to teach my favorite subject at my alma mater. So all that stuff about leaving my department forever? Guess not!

September

In September, we packed up again to return home to the US. On our way back, we made a quick stop to visit Paris, my host family, and the city in Western France where I'd lived in 2021. I really enjoyed those couple of days — I got to meet coworkers in Paris whom I've only ever messaged online when we work together, got to show my husband places I'd spent so much time in, and got to remind myself that spring 2021 really did happen and I did live in France, even if it now feels like a dream. It was sweet to reconnect to my host family, too, and all in all was a reminder of how French and France will always be part of me, even if I never go back (though I think I will).

Bonjour, Paris!

Then we had reunions with friends and family back home, and what felt like the "real" start to our marriage: building a life together here in Kansas. 

October

October was the month of settling in to being a housewife. Truth be told, this was a harder transition than I expected. I wasn't unhappy; it's just that going from having a full and busy schedule to virtually no structure was quite the switch, plus I was still in the transition-from-single-to-married stage. My freelance work was also slower than I'd expected, and I discovered that interacting with clients is not my favorite part of my job.

Two more "firsts" at the end of the month: I had an academic article accepted for publication, and I made my first loaf of sourdough!

The article was a two-year+ process, and till the last I had no certainty it would be accepted. One more example of how I cannot predict how God will work in my life! Publishing the article — based on research I did in France — feels like a nice culmination of my academic endeavors.

I have wanted to try sourdough for many years, but it always felt like a project for the next Christmas/summer break (that would then be pushed to the next one). I was nervous. It sounded worthwhile, but hard. Then I learned that half the women at my church make sourdough. Okay, that's a big exaggeration, especially as 2/3 of the women are college students and probably not in the sourdough club, but suffice it to say, enough women do it that I felt the confidence to try. I got a starter from one of them, fed it a few times, and baked a loaf! It wasn't so hard after all!

I've now made many successful loaves of bread, plus cinnamon rolls (my favorite), crackers, bagels (a husband favorite), rolls, brioche (needs improvement), brownies, cookies, naan... basically, if it looks like it could be made of dough — or even if it doesn't — I've put sourdough in it. My husband got quite tired of the word "sourdough." (maybe you are too, by now). But he liked the bagels.

November

November brought a mind-numbing proofreading project (800+ pages!), lots of prep for my European history class (writing lectures!), and our first holiday as a married couple. My family ended up celebrating Thanksgiving on Sunday, which meant my husband and I had three days to be at home together: taking walks, drinking coffee (I'm suddenly realizing this is a theme of the post), enjoying time with our cat, and resting. I know if/when we have kids these days together won't be so peaceful... but can we celebrate on Sunday every year??

Mirab moved from my parents' house to our home in October.

I also reflected on the responsibility of homeownership in November. I realized that pre-marriage I didn't expect homeownership to feel like a responsibility. I already did much cooking and cleaning at home, and I just expected it would be doing the same things, but in a different house. However, owning a home does feel different. There are lots of things that can "go wrong" in a house — leaks and rot and termites and fire risks and electrical outages and mildew and who knows what else. There are the fun updates — like painting — and then there are the updates that sound fun but also like so much work and so many $$$ — like redoing a bathroom — and then there are the updates that no one hopes will come their way — like having to deal with insect removal or replacing a roof or repairing water damage. 

Fortunately, we have not had to deal with any of these things yet (except the painting, and I volunteered for that one). But we have various uncertain signs that could indicate some of these scenarios, and I didn't realize how the stress of that would weigh upon me.

But I also didn't realize how I would have a partner to share in the burdens of home-keeping and life decisions and cat-feeding and dish-washing and all of it. That is, I didn't realize how much of a blessing it would be to share these things with my husband and how he would support me through them and carry the burdens with me. I am so thankful for him. 

Lastly, I didn't realize that homeownership — more specifically, the fun part of homeownership, i.e. home design — could cause ugly reactions in my sin nature. I have really enjoyed hanging pictures, organizing the kitchen, unpacking our books, and generally making our house into our home. But I have realized that for me specifically, it is a slippery slope in my heart to go from home design — motivated by a desire to make our home a beautiful and comfortable place for ourself and guests — to covetousness, impatience, and discontent. The actions may look the same! (Scanning FB Marketplace, checking sales on picture frames, looking at Pinterest ideas, etc.) But in my heart I know the difference when I switch from one place to the other, and I have had to take time away from home design when I realize that my attitude is changing towards it.

December

December is the Christmas season... I guess? It didn't feel very "Christmasy" this year (whatever that means). I did an Advent reading plan, which I enjoyed but didn't start till the middle of the month and didn't end up finishing. I don't like the description of life as "busy" (especially when I know I am so much less scattered than the previous spring), but my life is/was FULL, between freelancing, bread baking, housecleaning, and etc.

I struggled to explain this to other people — struggled to answer the question of what I'm "doing" now that I've graduated college. The thing is, I love it. I love the rhythm of making my husband's lunch and baking bread and doing editing work with a cup of tea in the afternoon and then making dinner so it's ready when he comes home. I feel so amazed and in awe that this is my life. Why am I so blessed? I do not deserve it. I don't deserve my husband. I don't deserve my church. I don't deserve any of these unexpected, sweet blessings, but I have them.

Despite all that, I struggle to tell people I'm a housewife doing part time freelance work, because... I think they'll think I'm lazy? Or patriarchalist? (I do have unashamedly complimentarian beliefs, but that's different) Or something? I'm not sure why. I'm working on that, because I think I am failing to give the honest and simple answer and withholding myself from people by doing so.

Christmas brought my first ski trip (!) and first Christmas without my family. I love my in-laws, but I had some sadness, nonetheless, and not a little stress over trying to make it down the bunny hill. However, skiing did get better, and the trip was so restful and a really nice time with my husband's parents.

As mentioned at the beginning of the post, there was also some grief in 2023. I experienced an ongoing separation from a really dear friend, and witnessed from afar as she walked away from the Lord. More heartbreaking revelations about her life and choices came in December, and I spent so many hours in tears.  Again, I am so thankful for my husband, who was present with me as I processed these griefs. More, I felt the presence of God and of his heart. When love for people causes us great grief, we experience his grief, and his love for us and desire for our good is so much greater than we can understand. Though I long for redemption in this friend's life, and for our friendship to be restored, I am comforted knowing that the Lord loves them no less and grieves for them more. He is sovereign, good, and trustworthy.

I don't know yet what 2024 will hold. This week, I will start teaching European history to undergrads, continue baking bread, and watch a football game with my church family. Beyond that — it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. And if 2023 taught me anything, it's that his purposes are better than mine anyway.

Bonne année 2024, readers.