Guest Post at the Red Book!

If you have ever found the distinction between orc, goblin, and uruk-hai utterly mystifying (as I have!), I just wrote a guest post for The Red Book to expound upon the subject!
Here's the link: https://theredbooknews.blogspot.com/2017/01/orcs-goblins-and-uruk-hai.html

Postscript: The Appendices of The Lord of the Rings

IF YOU HAVE NOT READ LORD OF THE RINGS, DO NOT READ FARTHER! THE CONTENT OF THE ENTIRE POST IS SPOILERS. DO NOT PASS GO. DO NOT COLLECT ALLOWANCE. JUST STOP READING.

I would like to confess that until this reread, I have never read the Appendices straight through. I've used it as a reference for dates and such, but never read it from start to finish. Yes, yes, I know, until this moment I was not a proper fan at all. To make up for this gross oversight, I have devoted an entire post just to this fascinating postscript that Tolkien was kind enough to add.

A General Guide to the Appendices
With a Special Focus on Appendix B

If you've ever wondered what happened AFTER Pippin caught that bouquet (I can never call him Peregrin), or felt sorry for Sam Gamgee being left behind by Frodo, or if you just happened to be as confused as I was and believe that Celeborn was a ring bearer, the Appendices are the place for you.

To start, the Appendices are:

Appendix A: Annals of the Kings and Rulers 

This includes information on Numenor, Gondor (including why it was ruled by stewards for almost a thousand years), Rohan, and Durin's Folk. Part of Aragorn and Arwen's Tale is also shared.

Appendix B: The Tale of Years

A summary of the of the First Age, a small timeline of the Second Age, a detailed timeline of the Third Age, and (most interesting to me) the "Later Events Concerning the Members of the Fellowship of the Ring."

Appendix C: Family Trees

Family trees of six major hobbit families (you can learn how Frodo is related to Bilbo, Pippin, and others.)

Appendix D: The Calendars

Shire reckoning as compared to Numenorian reckoning, the date each age ended, and other sundry details about the Shire calendars.

Appendix E: Writing and Spelling

Appendix F: The Languages and Peoples of the Third Age

As I mentioned above, perhaps you have wondered what Pippin did with that bouquet he caught. Although I strongly encourage you to read the Appendices for yourself, here is a brief summary of the major events of the Fellowship of the Ring, after the departure of the Ring Bearers/end of the Third Age.

• Pippin married Diamond of Long Cleve. He had at least one son. He became the Took and the Thain thirteen years after the end of the Third Age.
• After Sam married Rose Cotton, they had thirteen children. One of their daughters married Pippin's son. Same became mayor six years after the end of the Third Age, and was elected seven times (from 1427-1476).
• Merry married Estella Bolger (sister of Fatty Bolger). He became the Master of Buckland eleven years after the end of the Third Age.
• Aragorn made the Shire a Free Land under the protection of the Northern Scepter. He forbade men to enter it, but he came to its borders at least once to visit his friends. Sam's daughter Elanor became a maid of honor to Queen Arwen. 
• If the above is just inconsequential details to you, pay special attention, because my favorite thing that I read was this: after Rosie died in 1482 (S.R.), Sam left Bag End (on September 22),  gave his daughter Elanor the Red Book, and went to the Grey Havens. He "passed over the sea, the last of the Ring-bearers."
• Two years later, Meriadoc The Magnificent (102) and Peregrin the Thain (96) left the Shire. King Eomer had sent a message that he wished to see Meriadoc, so they went first to Rohan, where they were able to see the king before he died that autumn, and then to Gondor, where they lived out the rest of their days with King Elessar.
• King Elessar died in 1541. He was 210.

 "Then Legolas built a grey ship in Ithilien, and sailed down Aunduin and so over Sea; and with him, it is said, went Gimli the Dwarf. And when that ship passed an end was come in Middle-earth of the Fellowship of the Ring."

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Further Quotes from The Lord of the Rings

Being that I had way more quotes than would comfortably fit in a little review post, for those who didn't get enough of Tolkien, here are some more that I wanted to share.

The westward road seems easiest. Therefore it must be shunned. It will be watched. Too often the Elves have fled that way. Now at this last we must take a hard road, a road unforeseen.

They kept as close as they could to the western side, and they could see the dim shapes of the low cliffs rising ever higher, shadowy walls with their feet in the hurrying river.

When his eyes were in turn uncovered, Frodo looked up and caught his breath. They were standing in an open space. To the left stood a great mound, covered with a sward of grass as green as Springtime in the Elder Days. Upon it, as a double crown, grew two circles of trees: the outer had a bark of snowy white, and were leafless but beautiful in their shapely nakedness; the inner were mallory-trees of great height, still arrayed in pale gold. High amid the branches of a towering tree that stood in the centre of all there gleamed a white felt. At the feet of the trees, and all about the green hillsides the grass was studded with small golden flower shaped like stars. Among them, nodding on slender stalks, were other flowers, white and palest green: they glimmered as a mist amid the rich hue of the grass. Over all the sky was blue, and the sun of afternoon glowed upon the hill and cast long green shadows beneath the trees. (When I first read the book (around age 10), I found this bit of description boring and overlong. Now I think it's beautiful.)

No trees grew there and it was open to the sky; stars were shining already in lakes between shores of cloud.

Understand one another? I fear I am beyond your comprehension. But you, Saruman, I understand now too well.

The great horse tossed his head. His flowing tail flicked in the moonlight. Then he leapt forward, spurning the earth, and was gone like the north wind from the mountains.

The skirts of the storm were lifting, ragged and wet, and the main battle had passed to spread its great wings over the Emyn Muil, upon which the dark thought of Sauron brooded for a while.

For a while they stood there, like men on the edge of a sleep where nightmare lurks, holding it off, though they know that they can only come to morning through the shadows. The light broadened and hardened. The gasping pits and poisonous mounds grew hideously clear. The sun was up, walking among clouds and long flags of smoke, but even the sunlight was defiled. The hobbits had no welcome for that light; unfriendly it seemed, revealing them in their helplessness — little squeaking ghosts that wandered among the ash-heaps of the Dark Lord.

[of Galadriel, Sam said:] Hard as di'monds, soft as moonlight. Warm as sunlight, cold as frost in the stars. Proud and far-off as a snow-mountain, and as merry as any lass I ever saw with daisies in her hair in springtime.

Merry wished he was a tall Rider like Éomer and could blow a horn or something and go galloping to his rescue.

The Lord of the Rings: Why I Love It

I haven't often spoke of my affinity for J. R. R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings on this blog.

I think Tolkien's signature is super cool.

But I assure you, my affection for this book is strong, and to demonstrate this, my post-that-is-technically-for-the-classics-challenge is more enumeration of things I love than a proper review. I shall endeavor to be as spoiler free as possible, but I give no promises as to conciseness. 

To start, I would like to say that I watched the movies before I read the books. In general, it's better to read the book first, but there are some cases where it doesn't much matter (e.g. Ella Enchanted). This is not the case with The Lord of the Rings. I strongly recommend that you read the book first. Read the book first. Please. Don't follow my example. Although I fell in love with the story from the first moment of hearing Galadriel's voice, and afterward wanted to read the book, and did so, I would have had a greater appreciation for the book if I had not first read the movie. For, one tends to be more partial to the first thing, and so I started the book with a "this isn't like the movie" perspective, rather than a "what a wonderful story" perspective.

The movies, albeit very good renditions of the book, and truly spectacular films in and of themselves, are not as good as the books. Things are changed, obviously. Not just rearranging scenes and cutting dialogue because it has to be shortened, but other changes which do bother me. (I shall shortly link to a guest post that I wrote for The Red Book where I go into more detail about these changes.) Not to say that I don't recommend it — don't even get me started on that glorious soundtrack!

One objection that is often — and with reason — given against the movies is the violence and gore. There are three major battles, many skirmishes, and frankly, not a few disgusting orcs. (Plus Sméagol's transformation.) The book, however, does not tell us all the details of rolling heads and dripping blood. The battles are tastefully described, Tolkien apparently feeling that he "had no right to wound our feelings by attempting to describe" gore.*

Not having heard any else AGAINST The Lord of the Rings, I shall proceed to share the many reasons FOR it.

1. The themes. The classic struggle between good and evil is so poignantly played out. Although the dialogue is not from the book, this scene almost makes me cry. "But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow." That theme, if not the line, is in the book. Yes, I know Tolkien did not intend his book to be an allegory, but when a strong Christian writes a thing, Truth will show, and in the temptation of the Ring, the temptation of sin that we face each day is well-portrayed. If you've already read the book or seen the movie, this page talks about Christ figures in the book, and I found it quite interesting. It does contain spoilers.

2. The words. Oh, there's so many quotes I could quote. I love Tolkien's description (and the dialogue is good too, but I quote mainly the description because it's just so great.). He uses personification and metaphor generously.

I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. This was unexpected and rather difficult. There was some scattered clapping, but most of them were trying to work it out and see if it came to a compliment.

So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.

Deserve it! I daresay he does. Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. For the even the very wise cannot see all ends.

The quest may be attempted by the weak with as much hope as the strong. Yet such is oft the course of deeds that move the wheels of the world: small hands do them because they must, while the eyes of the great are elsewhere.

In this high place you may see the two powers that are opposed to another; and ever they strive now in thought, but whereas the light perceives the very heart of the darkness, its own secret has not been discovered.

The day waned, and dusk was twined about the boles of trees.

Cold clammy winter still held sway in this forsaken country. The only green was the scum of livid weed on the dark greasy surfaces of the sullen waters. Dead grasses and rotting reeds loomed up in the mist like ragged shadows of long forgotten summers.

There was a deep silence, only scraped on its surfaces by the faint quiver of empty seed-plumes, and broken grass-blades trembling in small air-movements that they [the hobbits] could not feel.

For a while they stood there, like men on the edge of a sleep where nightmare lurks, holding it off, though they know that they can only come to morning through the shadows. 

The level shafts of the setting sun behind beat upon it, and the red light was broken into many flickering beams of ever-changing color. It was as if they stood at the window of some elven-tower, curtained with threaded jewels of silver and gold, and ruby, sapphire and amethyst, all kindled with an unconsuming fire.

3. The poems. There are quite a lot of poems in this book, so I could hardly name my favorite. Here are two that I particularly love, incidentally both composed by Bilbo:

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken:

The crownless again shall be king. 

The Road goes ever on and on

Down from the door where it began

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

And I must follow, if I can,

Pursuing it with eager feet,

Until it joins some larger way

Where many paths and errands meet.

And whither then? I cannot say.

I also like the song of Nimrodel, but it's rather long to quote here. (And basically all the rest of the poems.)

Oh, okay, two more (the first by Sam):

The finest rockets ever seen:

they burst in showers of blue and green,

or after thunder golden showers

came falling like a rain of flowers.

Where now the horse and rider? Where is the horn that was blowing?

Where is the helm and the hauberk, and the bright hair flowing?

Where is the hand on the harpstring, and the red fire glowing?

Where is the spring and the harvest and the tall corn growing?

They have passed like rain on the mountain, like a wind in the meadow;

The days have gone down in the West behind the hills into shadow.

Who shall gather the smoke of the dead wood burning,

Or behold the flowing years from the Sea returning?

4. The characters.  If anyone can watch all three movies or read the book and not adore Samwise Gamgee, I'm not sure what I think of this person. Sam is so loyal, humble, hardworking. He is very hobbity — not a noble king, not an all-knowing wizard, just a simple hobbit with a love for simple beauty and goodness. Yet he is as strong as any of the more dashing heroes in the book, or stronger. I have heard other people make disparaging remarks about Frodo, calling him "weak" and mocking how he *SPOILER* fails in fighting Shelob. *END SPOILER* Okay, how about you carry the embodiment of evil around your neck into Hades, let's see how strong you act. Frodo is very strong. To keep going when all hope is gone, to just keep walking, is no light thing for one in his situation. Frodo — hobbits in general, really — is undervalued. Which is rather ironic, because a good deal of the book is about how undervalued they are.

I used to dislike Tom Bombadil (another unfortunate effect of watching the movies first), but now I like him, though I find him very enigmatic. He seemed too silly and confusing to fit the rest of the book, but now I appreciate him. Not everything needs to be explained. And I like that his inclusion makes the Ring and Sauron smaller. There is no evil so great that good is not stronger.

Aaaand there's Aragorn, of course, who I fell in love with from his first scene in the movie. Humble, noble, wise, skillful, courageous.

Of course, Gandalf is amazing also. He is so wise. And puzzling. And while he certainly can't do everything, he is a very useful person to have in a tight spot.

Theoden is also wonderful. Like Gandalf, he is not a perfect leader, but he sincerely tries to do what is best for his people. I pity him and admire him.

I love Faramir in the book. He treats the hobbits with greater honor and consideration than the movie shows. (I have always preferred him to Boromir, since I've never identified with the strong war-loving type.) Instead of seeming unfair, he does consider carefully the hobbits case, and makes a decision in their favor, which puts himself at risk.

I have not even mentioned Legolas and Gimli, or Bilbo or Eowyn. But this post grows long. Suffice to say they're very well done too.

All in all, I'm very fond of most of the characters in the story, and I think that's a good deal of what's necessary for a good book. If you don't care what happens to the characters (*coughcoughdivergentcoughcough*), you aren't likely to care about the story, or for that matter, keep reading it at all, especially when it's a thousand pages long.

5. The world of Middle Earth. It is so creative and detailed. Each race — elves, dwarves, hobbits, Men, orcs, wizards — is unique. Tolkien created languages for these people. The hobbits get the most description in the book itself, but the appendices is full of further information on the others. The many places they visit are differentiated too. Contrast the simplicity of the Shire with the grandeur of Minas Tirith, or the darkness of Mordor with the peace of Rivendell. Even places which are more similar — Rivendell and Lothlorien, or Gondor and Rohan — are still unique. Gondor has much more of a High Middle Ages feel, while Rohan has a distinctly more Beowulf character.

Rivendell

6. The story line. It's difficult, without giving spoilers, to draw out the story line so that we can all stand back and admire. It's sad, triumphant, and stirring by turns. I would say it is realistic, but this risks giving the impression that it is one of those depressing modern novels where everyone is suicidal, that people try to defend by saying "it's realistic." No, that's just bleak. Or perhaps it is a realistic picture of what life would be like with everything of God removed (of course, then there would be no earth or life at all). Tragic things happen (the party tree! sniff), which are not always reversible. People die. But "A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer." (Once again quoting lines from the movie, but the feeling from the book.)

Bonus: I love how disparagingly Tolkien talks of "progress" and industrialization. For, I feel the same way!

Do I recommend this book, and to whom? I certainly would. It is suitable (content-wise) for any age, but I will say that when I first read it (age 10 or so) I did not appreciate is nearly as much as I do now. I felt *cough* that it was too descriptive. Bear in mind that at this age I also thought Jane Austen should speak plainer. I had not yet learnt a real love for words, in and of themselves. 

The word "d--n" is used once or twice.

Your servant, Mr. Baggins—

*And I quote Colonel Brandon from Sense and Sensibility. Incidentally, I love this line because of the contrast between this scene with Elinor and Willoughby's "explanation" to Elinor, in which he tries to wound her feelings.

Happy Birthday, Bilbo and Frodo!

This is just a very quick note to remind everyone that it is the twenty-second of September. And as we all ought to remember, that means it is the birthday of Bilbo Baggins and Frodo Baggins, two under-appreciated, steadfast heroes from The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings, respectively.

I am almost finished with LotR, so I shall be giving you all a very long, gushing post shortly.

Classics Challenge: April (sort of) and May, Plus a New Thing

Well, if you remember from this post, my April book was The Lord of the Rings and my May book was a choice between The Scarlet Letter and The Last of the Mohicans.

Heh.

I did not finish LotR in April, as mentioned in my previous post, but I did read The Scarlet Letter in April for school, so that counts, right? I'm considering them switched. LotR I'm still working on, obviously, but it's a long book, okay? I will provide a long post of pictures and thoughts when I finish.

Not my copy, I just liked it.

My thoughts on The Scarlet Letter are complicated. It's a very interesting, complex book, and not at all what I had expected. Hester and Pearl I thought particularly enigmatic. Hester seems sometimes repentant; yet ready to do it all over again, I think. Pearl was a little confusing. This is a great essay on her.
Arthur Dimmesdale was somewhat simpler to understand, yet also very interesting. He has great strength at times, yet is weak-willed mostly and weak in body. *SPOILER* One could write an essay just on his reasons for hiding his guilt. I disagree with him (he would have suffered so much less if only he hadn't), but he's very convincing. If you do, please tell me about it, because I'd love to read it. *END SPOILER* 
 I can't even get into Roger Chillingworth. Talk about complex. He is rather the victim of the story, but in many ways he's also the villain. You want him to fail, though he, of all the characters, "deserves" most to "win". *TINY SPOILER (not even a spoiler, just talking about the books events more than I usually do)* While I don't support Hester's affair or her attempt to leave with her lover, there is a feeling of wanting them to succeed, to get past Roger and onto a "better" life.  *MAJOR SPOILERS* I prefer, though, the way Hawthorne ended it, because a life lived in sin would not have been better. Confessing to God, what Arthur should have done in the first place, was the relief he needed, not a vacation from Puritans. *END MAJOR SPOILERS*
One thing I found interesting (and wrong) was how Hester keeps thinking of herself in relation to her lover, how they are "bound together" for good or for ill, but for eternity. She believes that even if they are kept apart on earth, even if they should be kept apart, they will stand together at the Last Judgment. I guess she didn't read Matthew 22:30.
I did guess the identity of Pearl's father midway through the book, but this didn't detract from the experience. Something that DID was the long prologue which has nothing to do with rest of the book. While interesting (and curiously enough, somewhat true, as it is based on Hawthorne's experience when he worked at the Salem Custom House), it seemed very random and made the book difficult to get into at first. There is no actual content in this book (no description of Hester's adultery or anything), and I don't think there was any cursing, but obviously the topic makes it a better read for high schoolers.

Do I recommend this book, and to whom? I recommend it, yes, as a thought-provoking read, which I interpreted as showing the point of true repentance. High schoolers and up will benefit most.

I highly recommend this article for further thoughts on The Scarlet Letter (it does contain spoilers).


Finally, on to this New Thing for which I have kept you all in suspense. You may have noticed that this post has "King Arthur" and "writing" as labels. You may not. Regardless, I now introduce to you

Rancher Artie: A Mockery of the Western Romance Genre

You now see my cleverness in adding the image above, so that you would not at first see this one.

Or my imagination of The Arthurian Chronicles if they were in the Old West, written for my mental stimulation and your amusement. I shall provide installments whenever I feel like it. Look for the first this weekend.

Toodle-pip,

P.S. I just changed my profile to reflect my new age. I just wrote that I'm seventeen!?!?!?

A Life Update

Life has been a little crazy. Usually when I say that I mean busy. This semester has actually not been too hectic, and after my play performed things got quieter still.
When I say crazy this time I refer to events. There have been a lot of changes, and I know there are more to come soon. The main ones:

• My uncle stayed with us for a few weeks, and will likely be moving in with us indefinitely.
• All my childhood friends (including my middle sister) are graduating on Saturday (!?!?). Which necessarily brings some stress, cooking mania, and an attack of cleaning lady syndrome in which I dust every surface, vertical or horizontal, in sight, and vacuum every floor, tile or carpet, in the house.
• I got my driver's license FINALLY.
• I'm turning seventeen in less than week (?!). While in many ways I'm excited to be a senior next year, graduate, go to college, get married, etc. I'm also sad about getting to the end of high school and especially about leaving sixteen. Sixteen has always been my ideal age, the age I sort of thought I might never reach. ;) I remember thinking about it when it was ten years away and wondering how I could wait that long. And now it is almost over.
• I had my one year anniversary of my first job (I'm a house elf), and the same week applied for a  second job (at a grocery store a block from my house).
• I signed up for two five-credit-hour courses at a nearby community college, for this fall: Calculus 1 and Beginning French. I'm considering Composition 1, too, since it fits neatly between the aforementioned, and I'll need it eventually. 

Smaller things:

• I'm in part two of six in Lord of the Rings and loving it. The Council of Elrond is not boring.
• I'm studying the Revolutionary War period in history and plan to continue through the summer, eventually finishing my high school history studies in February or so of next year. Calculus I'm excited for but a little scared about, Composition I would rather not take, but history I love wholeheartedly!

Unfortunately I can't put "wrote chapters and chapters of Arthur" since I've not written very much since I last posted about it here. :/ Next time I write, I won't mention it. Maybe it'll last longer then. ;)

In Which The hobbit: Battle of Five Armies is Ruthlessly Attacked

(I do apologize for the extreme length of this post, as I am sure only die-hard Tolkien fanatics and perhaps my mother shall read it; but it was entirely necessary, to be thorough, you know).

A Joint Movie Review
by The Lady Awdur and the Author (of To Write or Not to Write)

So that unlabeled interruptions within statements will make sense:

The Author shall be writing in Red.

Lady Awdur in Blue.

AUTHOR: I would just like to preface this little collection of angry comments, by asking that one question which has, I’m sure, been prominent in many minds since they were first accosted with the end of Peter Jackson’s reign of terror. What is with the floor? 

And now, to a review.

How to even begin?

AWDUR: At long last, we are writing a review (do you even call this a review?) of the third hobbit movie. (Seriously, it's just an angry rant about how horrible it was) Well, maybe you can call it a review , as we will be stating some quite serious flaws in this movie and encouraging you NOT to see it.

AUTHOR: Actually, it would be a much harder task to compile a list of good points long enough to be worth posting.

Now then:

From the Maker of Two OTHER terrible films

The hobbit, An Unexpected Journey: The Author's Review

The hobbit, Desolation of Smaug: The Lady Awdur's Review; The Author's Review

Comes the movie we’ve all been waiting for, impatient for it to come so that this horrible experience will finally, finally be over….

THE HOBBIT: BATTLE OF THE FIVE ARMIES

Take a deep breath, we're going to be here for a while. Alright, how does this movie start?

AWDUR: Basically in the middle of the "cliff hanger" (when I start using quotations you know I'm feeling disdainful), where the Desolation left off. (I think it ought to have been called The Desolation of the Hobbit, because Bilbo sort of disappears in that movie and barely shows his face in this one).

AUTHOR: So let’s try to remember the end of the last movie, I know that Legolas was riding after Azog on horse, and yet somehow at the beginning of this movie he is hanging out with Bard again, and Azog is back with his army..

AWDUR: And it's never quite clear WHY they're going to this mountain place. I mean, it's kind of like he's spying on them, but he doesn't really get close enough to find any information. If he was coming there to try to get rid of them before the evil guys get worse, why didn't he bring people other than the weird girl with him?

AUTHOR: So a) why do we care about his mother? b) where on earth did this entire story about his mom being imprisoned here and dying come from? That wasn't even in the appendix.

AWDUR: Alright, back to Lake Town.

AUTHOR: Why didn't the tower get knocked over first? Imagine: YOU are a dragon, you are angry at this town and there is this one building that is taller than any other building in the town, wouldn't you destroy that first? Or ever by accident? Add to that, in the MOVIE'S OWN terrible story, a long time ago another guy shot Smaug with a black arrow and dislodged a scale. He shot out of that SAME tower, why wouldn't that be the one building that Smaug especially hated?

AWDUR: Or at least was smart enough to get rid of it.

So, we have Bard, in the tower (he having recently cleverly connived his way out of prison - a prison, by the way, that he was never IN in the first place in the book...). You know, I really hate it when a movie director thinks he needs to write a story that's cooler than the book he's basing it off of. What? Wasn't the book version cool enough, when Bard simply shoots an arrow out of a normal bow, from the ruins of a burning house? No-o, I guess not, because we have to have the dramatic bit with his son on the top of the ought-to-be-decimated tower.

AUTHOR: And can I just add, it’s not as if they took a story and livened it up stupidly.The book was actually MORE suspenseful, and MORE interesting, and made MUCH MORE SENSE. But I must apologize, not here to talk about the book, to even consider this movie, one must pretend that the book never existed in the first place, otherwise one's head might just explode. So back to the movie.

AWDUR: Now, to be fair, this was still a cool scene in some ways - but if they had only followed the book's story line, it would have been so much better (that's actually a fairly good summary of the movie in many ways).

AUTHOR: Okay, so I think we have gotten into a rut of anger (by which I mean mostly me, since Lady Awdur is actually capable of thinking reasonably on this subject) about this here, so let us TRY to be a little more organized. (BUT I JUST HATE IT SO MUCH)

BURNING OF LAKE-TOWN AND KILLING OF SMAUG:

AUTHOR: In the book, Smaug (like any actual dragon would) has a scaleless underbelly. And his protection is diamonds that he has been sitting on so long, that they are embedded in his skin. And BILBO find out one is loose, tells the dwarves in the presence of this awesome talking bird who then at the end of hope for Bard, tells him about it. How cool is that? It's not huge, but is one of those tiny things that really bothers me. Smaug doesn't have scales on his belly. It's like if Eowyn had black hair. It wouldn't affect the story so much, but it would be HORRIBLE. It wouldn't be Eowyn. And that's not Smaug.

Why is Smaug just flying around dramatically in the mist and not burning in anything? What???? He gives them time to get into their boats and get their gold and their young.

BARD'S Escape:

I don't really think you could break the bar windows of a jail and the wood around them, just with the weight of one overlarge guy.

Bard is just standing RIGHT under that ringing bell, and it doesn't bother him at all.

TAURIEL: “Leave him, we cannot go back.” HE'S A LITTLE KID?

NOW he destroys the tower, for dramatic effect. I like how he can just jam the end of his bow into the wood SO securely that he can shoot this GIANT arrow.

It's a good thing, when he fired this arrow, that the giant fires below weren't, I dunno, releasing a blanket of hot air that might mess with the arrow? I don’t think science or physics or any of that was taken into account in the making of this movie, as we will later see with young Legolas.

MAKING BARD YOUR LEADER:

AUTHOR: Remember Aragorn's Coronation? Remember when he bowed to the hobbits? (which wasn't in the book, but was an addition that did not mar it.) Remember how beautiful that entire thing was? So why does Laketown destruction aftermath have to be a comical laugh fest about Alfrid?

AWDUR: Why is Alfrid’s stupid self here anyway, I might ask? Have you noticed yet that anytime some silly illogical thing happens it’s not in the book?

Annnywaaay. An enormous difference between The Lord of the Rings movies and the hobbit movies is that Jackson is trying way too hard. Especially trying too hard to be funny. The book humour is actually far more amusing than your inventions, Mr. Jackson.

REUNION ON THE MOUNTAIN:

AUTHOR: After a split which should never have happened in the first place and was stupid and terrible, the dwarves finally come together again in the mountain. Where Thorin basically goes insane. OK, well, aside from the stupid split, so far so good.

HELLO AGAIN AZOG:

AUTHOR: Leading a troop of orcs wearing armor strangely similar to Uruk-hai armor, and also a little greek?

AWDUR: I would just like to quote from Wikipedia for a brief moment (emphasis added by me):

‘He is referred to in a single remark of Gandalf's in The Hobbit: "Your grandfather Thrór was killed, you remember, in the mines of Moria by Azog the Goblin." ’

By the by, Azog was killed in 2799 of the Third Age, whereas The Battle of Five Armies takes place in 2941…

GANDALF'S RESCUE:

AUTHOR: First, let's play toss an old man around in a cage. Then let's discover that Galadriel can just wave her arm and send a powerful unexplained deathy magic around everywhere, that you then find out does nothing. Then Ring Wraiths! What? And now, in addition to being weirdly semi-transparent, they are gymnasts and can also do a weird teleporty speed move thing.

AWDUR: Everyone seems to have gotten lots of powers that would have been very useful in LotR.

AUTHOR: And hey Elrond and Saruman came too. And Radagast poop-face.

AWDUR: That’s a little harsh.

AUTHOR: He literally has poop on his face though.

Okay, maybe a LITTLE bit of bird droppings. I don’t mind the addition of Radagast — what I do mind is the rabbit sleigh thing. And the thirteen seconds Galadriel and Gandalf gaze into each other’s eyes while he grasps her wrist and whispers “Come with me, my lady”. It’s almost as though Jackson is trying to develop another love triangle with Galadriel (who, HELLO, is already married [with grandchildren]), and Gandalf (who is too young for her anyway, you know). But then we think Galadriel ought to have gone with him since she falls to the ground as if dead (after fighting… whom?)

AUTHOR: I am rather confused at this point. When knowing a story back to back and reading everything in the appendix doesn't help the movie's make even the slightest bit more sense...something is wrong. With the movies. And here's a thing, in Fellowship, Galadriel reveals a little of what she would be with the one ring. Then she does that to defeat Sauron??

AWDUR: It’s almost as if Peter Jackson forgot that when Galadriel does this, it’s her giving in to evil. When she gives into the temptation of the ring, wouldn’t you suppose she is more in Sauron’s power?

AUTHOR: Next she steals a bunch of random lines from LOTR, and we are invited to watch a seizure-inducing flashy thing that somehow is Sauron.

Lots of weird stuff with the magic people, that has no connection to ANYTHING.

BUILD-UP FOR THE BATTLE:

AUTHOR: Angry yelling in the mountain, courtesy of Thorin.

Comic slap stupid stuff with Alfrid.

Dwarfs moving rocks, because that's what dwarves do!

"The Children, The Wounded and The Women come first." So...everyone?

The elves appear verrrrrry sneakily. Two questions: how do the antlers of that moose (is it a moose?) get through the doors? And also, how long were those elves just standing there?

We show some white diamonds when the book specifically SAID that they were supposed to be green emeralds.

Then a bunch of pointless arguing that was actually fairly close to the book and pretty good.

How convenient that the dwarves made a special, diamond shaped hole for chit chat.

Thorin whispers mysteriously through speakey tube thing. And what is up with his eyebrows!? What if someone just walked up to the hole and asked to speak with Bard, and then shot an arrow through it and killed him? This made so much more sense in the book.

The way that Bilbo is done in this movie is great. His expressions of horror and absolute bewilderment all the time are PERFECT for everything. There are absolutely no complaints regarding Bilbo. Martin Freeman is... a perfect hobbit indeed. (why did you cast him as an extra, Peter Jackson?)

We discover that the ruined city of dale still has a perfectly well equipped armory full of nicely organized stuff without a sign of rust on it anywhere. Because no one would EVER ransack a nicely stocked armory.

"Mithril, it was called by my forebearers." Actually Thorin, it is STILL called that, by everyone.

I like how Thorin is quicker to think his family who has been with him forever and whom he has always trusted, is evil, than he is to suspect the hired burglar.

Hey gundabo, gundubad, goondadorboobad?! Is there any concept of distance in this movie? No. Snap your fingers, and you can be anywhere. Maybe elves have figured out how to teleport. BUT, when an orc army is on the march, and you have horses, suddenly the snap thing doesn't work any more, and you may be too late, oh no!

Okay, then Bilbo climbs down a rope, and suddenly, everything starts actually going a little bit more like the book.

AWDUR: I’m skimming the scene in the book while watching, and I agree with the Author that this small parley scene is very like.

Oh my gosh there is still an hour to go in this movie! My brain is melting.

I still can't figure out what Thranduil is riding. It COULD be a giant reindeer. Nah, I think I’m sticking with moose.

(I kind of like the moose/reindeer)

So far still going pretty well to the book. Excellent acting.  Thorin is a little too horrible for my taste, but altogether pretty good.

AWDUR: In the book:

“But the Elvenking said, ‘Long will I tarry, ere I begin this war for gold.’”

In the movie:

Thranduil says, “Let them advance. See how far they get.”

And later to Bard, “Stand your men down. I’ll deal with Ironfoot and his rabble.”

AUTHOR: Then suddenly there was a dwarf riding a pig. Which I am KIND of willing to overlook.

AWDUR: “Send in the goats!” I just cracked up on that line. Really, Dain? You guys couldn’t come up with a better name for your goat riders? Perhaps I might think of nothing better, but there is $700,000,000 going towards this film.

A quote from the book (italics added):

“Suddenly without a signal they sprang silently forward to attack. Bows twanged and arrows whistled; battle was about to be joined…

‘Halt!’ cried Gandalf, who appeared suddenly… between the advancing dwarves and ranks awaiting them.”

Directly after that the goblins arrive and the dwarves and elves join forces.

In the movie, naturally, they had to have some battling between elves and dwarves. I guess they just wanted to show how they can do this:

https://youtu.be/TpsFWBzDHkk?t=3m27s (if you watch to 4:49 you’ll see a very, very young elf fighting)

Which we might have considered cool, other than being over the top, without the line:

“How do you like that, the old twiddly-widdlies?”

No, literally, that’s what Dain just said.

AUTHOR: Creepily perfect CGI armies. They remind me of the clones from Star Wars.

And then suddenly, giant worms which appear out of the ground, and disappear far enough in to let an army through.

AWDUR: Dain’s remark, at this point of, “Oh, come on!” aptly describes everyone’s feelings at this point.

A note: Gandalf calls them “were-worms”, a creature that is mentioned by name in The Hobbit, but never described even remotely. So basically it’s a Jacksonian invention.

AUTHOR:  Where was the army when the worms were there? And where did the worms then go to make room for the army? And why wouldn't Azog ever use the worms again?

AWDUR: Yeah, I mean, couldn’t giant worms come out and eat most of the army and save him quite a lot of trouble?

Oh, and now in addition to eagles (because Peter Jackson has never heard the saying “Less is more”), Middle Earth has evil pterodactyls that carry people off Jurassic-World-style.

AUTHOR:  And how did Azog have his whole signal thing set up up there on a giant peak of stone that can be seen from everywhere, without ANYONE noticing? What happened to elf eyes? They were busy looking at the weird she-elf, obviously.

Unlike the epic and amazing battle for Minas Tirith with THOSE impossible odds, this is just too impossible and too illogical and too comical and too stupid.  This whole movie basically has gone into the kind of slapstick, usually stupid, and often rather vulgar humor that I have been seeing more frequently in modern movies. You could kind of see it coming with the stuff with Bombur and the dwarves earlier.  

AWDUR: It is really pretty sad that the funniest parts aren’t supposed to be. (Like 1:19 to 1:20 here: https://youtu.be/E64sIPJ9xWE?t=1m19s)

“They cannot fight on two fronts; now we make our move.” Um, just wondering, Azog, why didn’t you make your move at the BEGINNING? I mean, why not? You could have gotten this whole rigamarole over so much quicker.

That’s SO cool, they have trolls that wear rocks on their heads so they can smash holes in walls (he still falls unconscious though), and trolls that carry catapults on their backs. There’s a cave troll for everything!

AUTHOR: Fly a wagon over your children. That could and would have gone so wrong in so many ways.

AWDUR: I’m confused about how the wagon is even moving. There is a slight downhill slant, and Bard did push off slightly, but seriously, with all the rubble he’s going over he would not have made it all the way to the huge goblin/teeny (by this movie’s standards) troll.

AUTHOR: OK, because of the stupid comical stuff, the saddest and most moving moment in the entire movie, was either Bilbo's goodbye at the end, or the reindeer/moose thing dying.

Cut to lots of dramatic slow motion stuff.

AWDUR: The hobbit is so much more gory than LotR. Was the Battle of the Black Gate and the Battle for Minas Tirith not long or epic enough for you? We just have to suffer through a battle that goes on and on and apparently the armies are bigger than you thought because otherwise this could have been done sooner.

AUTHOR: Wait, NOW there is an hour left? I cannot bear it.

Ok hmmm, skip a lot. Dwarves run out. Magic mountain goats appear out of literally nowhere, and then vanish, much like the worms. Why does everything useful like that just leave?

What is with that floor?

AWDUR: The whole scene where Thorin comes to his senses is… interesting. The first time I saw TBOFA I disliked it and thought it was just weird. Now, I’m not so sure. It’s not in the book, of course, but I’m pretty sure the book doesn’t show/explain Thorin’s change of heart at all. It’s an interesting way to show his change, so I’m not going to attack it.

AUTHOR: Absolutely adorable and wonderful scene with Thorin getting ready to go fight.

AWDUR: Agreed. At this point I remember why I feel sad at Thorin’s death. And then they’re up on Ravenhill. And yet another orc army comes out of the depths. And look! Is that an uruk-hai? https://youtu.be/ITNuohXp06s?t=8s 50+ years before they were invented, though.

Has anyone realized how there is no standard on how easy it is to kill an orc? Here, little Bilbo throwing rocks downs them like nine pins. There, Azog is stabbed and drowned and goes through how many battles, and is STILL ALIVE.

So then after Kili dies, Tauriel jumps into a bear hug with the enormous orc/small troll, I think illogically hoping to injure it. (BTW, in the book, Kili and Fili die defending Thorin, which I personally think is much better than dying trying to get to this random she-elf he met so shortly).

Legolas ran out of arrows! This movie must be more realistic than LotR — wait nope, he just directed a cave troll to make a bridge for him, and then ran up falling rocks. ?

AUTHOR: And then Azog and Thorin fight, ice conveniently being slippery only when proper for dramatic effect. Lots of defying of physics. Let Azog stab you. Then kill him in a way which is physically impossible. Then suddenly be okay, and stare off into the distance for a while, THEN fall to the ground, but don't die until someone has come along to hear you say something dramatic.

AWDUR: Now that’s not quite fair, since in the book he was mortally wounded yet had time say farewell to Bilbo before he died. The whole battle with Azog though — defying physics to leap out from under the ice — ugh. And then Gandalf shows up, and in quite proper respect for Thorin, spends thirty-five seconds filling and smoking his pipe, which he somehow managed to keep close throughout the battle. Nice. (Bilbo gives him a “really?” look.)

AUTHOR: Oh, and a bunch of slow motion close ups of constipated looking Kili and Tauriel.  

AWDUR: Goodness gracious, those last scenes with Thranduil were paaaiiinffull, no matter if you completely pretend that this movie stands alone and you’re just judging it in its own right. So first there’s this little interchange with Legolas:

“Legolas, your mother loved you.”

Stupidest. Line. My mother, who usually doesn’t give too harsh criticism of movies, said in the car (as drove home from the movie, sitting in dazed semi-silence at the awfulness of it all), “I know Mom loved me, Dad, it’s you who’re the problem!”

Is Thranduil trying to appease his guilt somehow or to convey (without humbling himself of course, because he could never do that) that HE loves Legolas? Or is he simply the rabbit-trailer of all time and decided to change the subject to mother’s love?

So then we have the next scene, where he walks in on Tauriel crying. My eyes are watering right now. Am I feeling sad? Ha. As if. Nope, I’ve just been staring at the computer for too long.

Tauriel, maybe I COULD have felt sad for you, if you hadn’t spent your last scene saying such stupid lines. I mean, listen to this:

Tauriel: They want to burry him. (Um, DUH)

Thranduil: Yes.

Seriously, why did Peter Jackson waste my time on those 14 seconds of completely unnecessary dialogue? Couldn’t he have given those 14 seconds to Bilbo (oh wait, I forgot he was just an extra, why would he be given 14 random seconds).

And then:

Tauriel: If this is love, I don’t want it. Take it from me. Please.” (Imagine it said in a whispery whiney voice and it’s even worse. I’d post the video, but I’m not so cruel to make YOU all watch it).

“Why does it hurt so much?”

Thranduil, “Because it was real.”

That is NOT how you sit on a throne.

Goodness gracious. You’d think that with spending more than seven hundred million dollars on these films they could have got a better script editor. Number one, her line sounds like something a seven year old would say. Number two, his response is supposed to be comforting… how? She just said that if this was love she didn’t want it. Really, Thranduil, you’d improve so much if you just listened to people.

We then have another 15 seconds of staring at Tauriel’s face. Then she kisses Kili’s [DEAD - is this creepy to anyone else?] lips.

AUTHOR: And now, the movie is FINALLY over.

Nope, not quite. A little something more from Thranny:

“OK, now Legolas my unfortunate offspring, go find this mysterious ten year old kid who has already made a name for himself in the wild as Strider (due to those incredibly long legs that ten year olds are known for) but I can’t tell you anything useful about him because I like to be weird and mysterious, or more likely because I don’t know it, and am going to sound weird and mysterious anyway. Hopefully you will be intrigued enough to go looking for him (*he’s in Rivendell, not in the wild. I lied, and you will never find him. Because I hate you, kid*) that you will get off my back and leave me in peace with my new necklace. Oh and by the way, you annoying creature, your MOM loved you, so be happy with that and stop pestering me for, what did you call it? ‘Fatherly Affection?’ Utter nonsense. Never heard of it. I really don’t know where you come up with this stuff. Likely you have been listening to that overly emotional she-elf again.”

AWDUR:After all this nonsense it does finish out pretty well, with some quotes and scenes straight from the book. I love the line of Bilbo’s to the dwarves: “If ever you are passing my way, don’t wait to knock! Tea is at four”, and I’m glad they included it in the movie. And the sale of his stuff. I always liked that twist.

CHARACTERS

BILBO:

AUTHOR: Got kicked out of his own movie. Got yelled at by Thorin. Got confused by everything. Got yelled at by Thorin. Actually quite hobbitey, but not what is supposed to happen in the story.

AWDUR: Bilbo is great. I think Martin Freeman makes a great hobbit. However, once again he’s playing an extra.

And I’m just curious, why didn’t he put on the ring at the beginning of the battle, as he did in the book? It’s just the logical thing to do.

TAURIEL:

AUTHOR: I like how all of them just call her the she-elf. I should like to be referred to as the ‘she-human’ from now on.

AWDUR: One thing a sister of mine pointed out is how in Lord of the Rings they had opportunities to stick in females more often, but didn’t because it wasn’t true to the book. For instance, they almost had Arwen at Helm’s Deep. Now, this would have likely distracted from the scenes and given Arwen too much attention (besides the fact that we don’t see the “she-elf”s fighting in the books), but it would have worked. However, they wisely chose not to. For the hobbit, there are no female characters to speak of, and any they would add in would be far more cumbersome than putting Arwen in Helm’s Deep. Yet, for some reason (did they think no girls would come to the movie if there were no females? That’s interesting, since a quick google search and my own experience says there are certainly as many female Tolkien fans as males; and surely they aren’t worried that guys wouldn’t come if there were only male actors?) they chose to add her. I understand that, yes, there may have been female guards in the book who just happen to be nameless. I wouldn’t care if they added in a small character — but Tauriel and the whole love triangle takes up so. much. film. time. (naturally it wouldn’t of been spent on BILBO of all people, this isn’t called The Hobbit after all — wait…)

SMAUG:

AUTHOR: Sounds way too human. One feels such sympathy for him. I mean, how could anyone not want the movie version of Laketown to just vanish? To leave us in peace, free from the unclothed ramblings of once wonderful (hey Jeeves!) Stephen Fry.

LEGOLAS:

AUTHOR: No longer looks or sounds like an elf. And did I mention that from a lot of angles he looks like John Wayne? Little Orlando is all grown up, or down as this most recent film suggests.

AWDUR: Honestly, though everyone complains about how old Legolas looks, he didn’t bother me so much. I like that he’s in Mirkwood, as it makes sense, and he didn’t take up nearly so much time as the she-elf (and since half of his scenes concerned the she-elf, without her in the movie there would be nothing to complain of).

Hi skin and hair does look a little more smooth and… chalky. He, does, however, look more like Thranduil than he did in the other movies, which is interesting.

KILI:

AUTHOR: Kili has a very sweet face (it IS sweet. Too sweet. Dwarves are not supposed to have "sweet" faces), it looks so young and very wrong next to the scary elf lady.

The thing between him and Tauriel is just creepy and gross in addition to being wierd.

AWDUR: Interestingly enough, I think the movie makers assumed that because of Tauriel we would feel even more pain when Kili dies. Nope. Didn’t really care.

AZOG THE UNKILLABLE:

AWDUR: He’s not supposed to be in this movie at all.

AUTHOR: We hates him precious. He looks like he’s made of nasty wax, yes precious.

THRANDUIL:

AWDUR: I like Thranduil, I really do. Not as a person, of course not, but they did capture his aloof, cruel but not hateful Elven self well. I think his actor his great. But he sure did get some stupid lines in this movie.

AUTHOR: I do have to say, Thranduil was a lot more reasonable and nice in the book. And didn’t go around making weird comments about people’s mothers. Also magical face…..where. on. earth, did that come from?? I do rather like Movie Thranny, but I just wish he didn’t look like he was made out of plastic.

ALFRID:

His picture doesn't deserve to be bigger.

AUTHOR: Doesn’t even have his own poster.

AWDUR: Once again got way too much screen time and tried to hide among the women and children.

AUTHOR: He’s like a really really really terrible attempt at Grima. Except that Brad Dourif is an amazing actor and Grima is an interesting character with depth and hateful sides and sympathetic sides etc. and Ryan Gage is a kind of a terrible actor, and Alfrid is just a slimeball. That is so true. Once again Jackson trying to use something that worked in LotR, but changing it in a way that is not more creative, just worse.

BARD:

AWDUR: The Burning of Laketown was much better in the book, naturally, but that wasn’t Bard’s fault. There isn’t really much to complain about Bard. Plus I think it’s cool his daughters are actually sisters (you can totally tell).

AUTHOR: I dislike a lot of actors, and therefore, I usually find myself disliking the people they play. But there are a few actors who I dislike, but who are good enough to make me forget it’s them, and I am able to just enjoy the characters they portray. Luke Evans is one of these, I don’t really like him, but he is a very good actor. I wholly approve of Peter Jackson’s Bard, but I think he could have been SO much better if only he stuck to the original a little more.

THORIN:

AUTHOR: He was just so messed up. I mean yeah, dragon sickness, but at first, (in the book) he just told everyone to clean up and look for the Arkenstone. He wasn't a jerk about it. Walking like a slave master and yelling at them never to rest until it is found….odd

AWDUR: As I said in my previous review, the casting was great — the script was messed up. Richard Armitage makes a great Thorin — but like the Author said, through much of this movie he really is a jerk. Yes, in the book he really does try to throw Bilbo from the ramparts, but he isn’t quite so angry. all. the. time.

And that concludes our thorough review of each and every part of the hobbit. If you got this far, you deserve a round of applause.

AUTHOR: *clap clap clap clap* I am so sorry we made you sit through this. Thank you for listening to our righteous indignation, and I bid you all a very fine farewell.

Namarie!